My Train of Thought has Become a Wreck

Please, excuse this post as it promises to be random, potentially mean, and inarticulate to the max.
I've been at work for 2.5 hours and I've changed CDs more than 5 times. That just doesn't happen to me.

What I am searching for? A voice of understanding? I don't know. I can't it in my music for some reason.

I don't want to be angry I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being jealous. I'm tired of hating myself because of my weaknessess. This is pathetic. Everyone has weaknesses, don't they? So, why do mine seem to be so particularily destructive and damaging? Am I not worthy of what I'm after? This is dumb. Everything is futile!

I Hate your contention
I hate your violation
I hate your corruption
I hate your life destruction

I will resist ENDLESSLY!
~ Transgression - Fear Factory

Why is it people seem to be most capable of destroying what they're after? Is it human nature to lose everything we hold dear through our own doings? Is that the fate of us, do be undone by our desires, or our needs?

You should be a saviour
Once on earth to bleed for the weak
Try Modern behaviour
For a world that cannot seek

This fallen belief I know
Has no prospect
Will never achieve to grow
If we carry on hiding
What is deep inside of us
~ We Who Suffer - Dark Age

It's just frustrating because I know, know for a fact that I'm better than this, that I'm better than what comes through. But who will be there to see me through my follies and weaknessess and darkness. Who will be there to hold me when it all gets to be too much? Do I even dare show that to anyone? Or will it be my guitar that pays for my frustrations again?

Caged inside
I cannot seem to end the battles
Breaking down, I worship the insane
~ Oscillation Point - Scar Symmetry


Is there no other road, then the way of pain? Of course if success comes my way the road was worth, but dammit I've been here before, and I feel like screaming because I am not dreaming.

I cannot get out of here anymore
Cause none of my keys fit the door
There's fear and anger
Hate and love
I must confess
It's out of hand

If there's anyone in
It soon will be over
We'll burn out
Our soul's aflamed
And we're on our own now
Give up your cruel invasion
Your insane I'll show you
~ Another Stanger Me - Blind Guardian

It's hard. This game we call life. This has gotten all out of hand. I wish I could rewind and see the moment where all this came to be. Hopefully if the sowing is sweet, but germanation and growth is bitter then the reaping will still be sweet. If not...gah!

This year wasn't supposed to be like this! It just wasn't! It was supposed to be mop-up duty, simple tricks and fun. How do I do this to myself?

Do not turn your face towards me
Confronting me with my lonliness
You are in a forest unknown
The secret orchard
And your voice is vast and achromatic
But still so precious
~ Black Rose Immortal - Opeth